Jokes and humour

[GBW]

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[GPSGuided]

Target, bushwalkers with boots!




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

[Son of a Beach]

ooh, that one's a bit below the belt!

[Moondog55]

Did you hear about the ultralight aircraft that crashed into an Irish churchyard?
So far they've recovered 134 bodies

[Lophophaps]

It's been months since I bought the book "How to Scam People Online." It still hasn't arrived.

[Moondog55]

I have a big party planned for my next birthday, I' tentatively ordered a tonne of redgum charcoal and a full yearling Black Angus dressed for spit-roasting. Unfortunately after a few major financial setbacks and unexpected expenditures it seems I can't afford that anymore so I guess it will be BBQ sausages in cheap white bread. Yes that's right, I hoped for the beast but planning for the wurst

[vagrom]

This guy relates about someone who was stung by a bee while playing golf.

"Where were you stung?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" they replied.

Shocked, he exclaimed: "Gee, you must have a wide stance !"

[Lophophaps]

Starbucks has decided to punish Russia by keeping all their stores open.

Meanwhile, McDonalds have shut down all of theirs. Russia is officially in the "no fry zone".

After streaming services ended their Russian offerings, the locals are now watching 'Nyetflix'.
How many Russians does it take to conquer Ukraine? It's okay, Putin doesn't know either.

A Moscow man buys a newspaper, glances at the front page, and throws it away. Next day and the day after he does the same thing. Eventually the seller asks, "Why do you do that?"
The bloke replies, "I'm just checking for an obituary."
"But obituaries aren't on the front page."
"The one I'm looking for will be."

[Lophophaps]

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[GBW]

[wildwanderer]

oh how I love this thread

[Lophophaps]

Military assistance during the floods

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[Tortoise]

The main purpose of the little toe is to make sure all the furniture is in place.

[Aardvark]

The definition of a Shin : A device for finding furniture in the dark.

[Tortoise]

It's weird being the same age as old people.

[Lophophaps]

I don't mind being old as long as my all terrain walking frame with track drive can get me on longer days - over 3 kilometres - in a decent time.

[Tortoise]

Broken barometer for sale. No pressure.

Double negatives are a no-no in English.

If you have to wear both a mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

[Lamont]

Three crackers in a row tortoise



Anything by Get Krack!n's 'Beauty Krackspert", "Wellness" guru and all around sage Helen Bidou aka Anne Edmonds.

[Lophophaps]

I can fix that.

Ornithology, the study of bird-watching
Orthinology, the study of word-botching or the study of people who wished they were thinner.
(Search for Orthinology using Google, Bing and DuckDuckGo, and be surprised.)

I was terrible at school. I failed maths so many times I can't count.


I'd like to take the band ABBA out for lunch, and if I could, I would my friend, for Nando's.



A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon I guess it comes down to who would be the better cyclist


My wife said I'm addicted to brake fluid. It's okay, I can stop at any time.


I'm addicted to jumper cables. The doctor said said it was okay, as long as I don't start anything.



The teacher asks the class, "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth goes to his wife, one-fifth goes to his son, one-sixth goes to his butler, and the rest goes to a charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Johnny answered, "A lawyer."

[north-north-west]

At precisely 9 am last Wednesday, a woman phoned the Prime Minister’s office. “Can I speak to Mr Morrison, please?”
“Mr Morrison is no longer the prime minister.”

On Thursday morning at 9 am, the same. “Can I speak to Mr Morrison, please?”
“Mr Morrison is no longer the Prime Minister.”

And on Friday at 9 am. “Can I speak to Mr Morrison, please?”
“Mr Morrison is no longer the prime minister! I’ve told you three times now! Why do you keep asking?”

“I know he’s not the Prime Minister any more. I just LOVE hearing you say it!”

[Lophophaps]

I see trees of green,
Green trees there too.
I just see trees,
But I can't see you,
And I think to myself,
I'm lost in the woods.

[Lophophaps]

My dad was a skydiver back in the sixties. There was a bloke in his club that was a nut. He had the idea that he could test the axiom that “cats always land on their feet” from free fall altitude, where he would fall with them and observe their self-righting behaviour. He had no interest in aiding their descent, just wanted to see how they behaved in free fall. In his plan, landing was the cats’ problem, not his. Scientific impartiality, or some such thing.

He took four stray cats up in a pillowcase for the jump. After exiting the plane, he turned the pillowcase inside out, releasing the cats. To his great surprise, all four cats attached themselves to his body immediately. With their claws. Given that cats have 18 claws each, he was punctured at least 72 times. More, probably, because he struggled vainly to remove the cats as he fell, but they were having none of it, and would reattach with even more conviction with every effort he made to pull them off.

Presently, he was out of altitude, and had to turn his attention to opening the chute. Let’s pause to do some maths. A chute opening can generate as much as three Gs of force. The average cat weighs 1.4 kilograms at 1 G. At three Gs, this becomes 4 kilograms per cat. So when the chute opened, for a moment this guy had 72 razor sharp claws in his skin, each one being pulled down with a force of about 600 grams. That’s about 44 kilograms of cats. He was sliced to ribbons, basically.

All four cats hung on through the chute opening, although the skydiver’s shredded flesh allowed each one to slip a few centimetres. Bleeding and in misery, the skydiver managed to make a safe, if rather rough, landing in a farm field.

As soon as he hit the earth, all four cats ran off across the field, leaving him to lie there bleeding from his hundred or so wounds. He was the only member of the skydiving club that was displeased with the results of his experiment.

[vagrom]

Hickory, dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the mouse got smashed up in the machinery.

Hickory, dickory dock,
Two mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other came away with minor injuries.

[vagrom]

For anyone who was wondering : 2 minutes.

[Lophophaps]

Everyone knows about Karl Marx. He certainly shook up the world with his ideas and writings, so I guess that's not unexpected. But not many people remember his sister Onya, who invented the starter pistol, even though she's commemorated at the beginning of every race.

It's just like everyone remembers Alan Turing, who broke the Enigma codes. But no one remembers his sister Kate, who fed all the researchers.

[ribuck]

Everyone remembers Miles Dunphy but no-one remembers his brother Kilometres Dunphy.

[ChrisJHC]

Apparently in Ireland, they bury people by the road and then put on their gravestone their:
Age
Name
Where they were born

That’s why you’ll see everywhere signs saying:
50 Miles from Dublin
20 Miles from Belfast
Etc

[GregG]

..

[Lophophaps]

My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and other relatives have always been keen on participating in athletics. It runs in the family.


What music do Santa's elves play at work? Wrap music.


A bloke who liked puns bought a Christmas tree and stripped everything off until just the trunk and branches remained. Then he hung a bullet from a branch. His wife and children were annoyed about this, and his wife asked what on earth he was doing. He said that it was the end of a song, The twelve days of Christmas. They looked at him, puzzled. Silence. He finally said that it was a cartridge in a bare tree.


Why was Santa scared of going down the chimney? He had claustrophobia.


How does King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan, crisp, and even.


Where do you get milk from bees? Boobees.


Two blokes were having a yarn about their hobbies.
"I race pigeons."
"Are they faster than you?"


I like dogs, but the big ones are bit hard to eat at one sitting. This is why I use a doggy bag.

[GBW]

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